A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. • Robert Frost
I told someone I lost my mother, but I find her everywhere. She’s lurking at the grocery store and at the movie theatre. She’s hidden in the pages of the books I used to buy and send to her. I see her among the bargains that she loved, like necklaces and earrings discounted seventy-five percent from their lowest marked price. We say the one who’s gone is lost, but I am the lost one, adrift in a world where I founder in the shoals of sadness, snagged by jagged rocks of memory that hide beneath the normalcy of life-goes-on. I try to find the poetry in my remembrance.
I am never sure when a poem begins because the words I write are not usually meant to be poems. I seldom sit down and say “I will write poetry today.” More often, I say “I will write,” and sometimes what emerges is the seed of a poem. Very seldom, a poem springs into being, words rushing onto the page or screen as fast as I can write. Instead, fragments arrive unbidden to be captured, saved, revisited again and again until they spark some resonance within. In my life, poetry cannot be forced and almost never flows no matter how much I might wish that it would. Right now, I very, very badly wish it would.
How do poems grow? They grow out of your life. • Robert Penn Warren
It’s almost three months since my mother died and I have begun many poems since her death. Most have been abandoned and I do not think that I will ever finish them. Revisiting the words is painful, leading me to sorrow, immersing me in grief when I want to remember joy. My mother was asked to leave a grief group shortly after my youngest brother’s unexpected death because she was not sad enough. Her upbeat attitude brought the group down, she was told. She would not want me to wallow in sadness either. “Remember me,” she’d say, “but it would make me sad to see you sorrowful. Enjoy your life and focus on the fun we had together.” I want to. I really do. It is not easy.
A poem might be defined as thinking about feelings—about human feelings and frailties. • Anne Stevenson
I do not want to hide these words where I can find them and be tempted to wrestle them into poems. Instead, I’ll abandon them here and call them done.
February 12, 2011. I wanted to play with the meanings of the word rest, the euphemism for death, the remainder, the break or relaxation, but it won’t come together as I make notes on the back of an envelope while I’m in the car. It’s a perfect example of a notion that could become something but likely never will.
A final heartbeat, a last breath,
and all my life becomes the rest.
Eternal rest
is followed by this daily rest when
life shifts into
days without and every day
I find no rest from emptiness.
I am ambushed by little things , a song on the radio, a pair of ticket stubs in a winter jacket I pull out of the closet when the weather unexpectedly turns cold, daffodils in the snow. I am adjusting to the bigness of forever, but these small reminders pull me back into my grief. As I am looking for course materials, I find something written by the French novelist Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette who authored the novel Gigi on which one of my mother’s favorite movies was based. She wrote: “It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.”
Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions known what it means to want to escape from these things. • T.S. Eliot
February 14, 2011. I get emails from Disneyland addressed to my mother—an annual passport holder—because she didn’t have a computer. Their offers often begin with her name and I cannot bear to cancel them. My jewelry boxes are filled with rhinestone-encrusted landmines of remembrance and letter bombs await in the bookshelves where I secreted mothermail to read again. In the Goodwill, I begin another poem about these unexpected reminders:
I am ambushed by your absence and
every time I forget that you
are gone, you find me.
You lie in wait in the thrift store
where the empty sleeves of sweaters
in your favorite pink grab me
as I troll the aisles.
In the front yard the violets breathe
your name and I know that lilacs will soon
scent the air with your memory.
There are reminders everywhere and I cannot escape them. I do not know if I want to.
Poetry is all that is worth remembering in life. • William Hazlitt
February 26, 2011. I love wordplay and make these notes while we’re on the way to the grocery store:
Rest in peace, we say,
but in their end, it is our own
peace we seek:
a piece of precious remembrance without tears,
a piece of happiness without regret,
a piece of delight in what once was and
never again will be.
Yes. Rest in peace while we pick up
the pieces and move on.
March 2, 2011: The poet Robert Frost said that poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words. I am still looking for the words that will help me remember and forget.
Forgetfulness is easy
if the heart is hardened,
if every thought of you is
abandoned,
if the mind refuses to
stoke the fires of memory and
lets the embers grow cold
from neglect.
Forgetfulness is easy
if all reminders are ruthlessly
purged, brutally
neglected, systematically
destroyed, efficiently
deleted, rooted out, leaving
nothing, not even ghosts of memories
behind.
My Saturday begins and I do not think of loss, but then the phone rings early—my mother was the only one who called me early—but, of course, it is not her and all the work I do after this wrong number bears the imprint of distraction. I cannot find the words today.
What words do you seek? What words do you find?
Poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them. • Charles Simic
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. • From a headstone in Ireland
* Thanks to French poet Paul Valéry for the title quotation.