Please, Someone, Get Me a Subscription to the Bacon-of-the-Month Club

November 28, 2009

I’m not sure this even counts as writing something because I got nuthin‘ here but the plaintive plea of my title. [Note: I wrote this sentence and then I started saying nothing and as you will quickly see, I had much more to say than I imagined. Thus, another purpose of this particular post is quickly evident. Almost anything can be a fascinating topic, but if you have to write, you need to get started somewhere.]

I wrote yesterday about all those useless things that are possible purchases that the wise student will avoid if s/he wants to keep the budget intact. I was tempted by very few of the things I listed except the robots. I am a sucker for robots. Space ships too. But that’s another topic and I want to talk pork here because I picked up another shopping guide yesterday and there in the top righthand corner of the page I saw it:

“Bacon of the Month 12-Month Membership“

There’s been a certain piggyness to several of my posts lately and I was entranced by the possibility of regional pork products arriving monthly at our abode. I don’t care if I get to eat it. Just smelling it sizzling in the pan is enough. There’s something about the smell of bacon cooking that evokes childhood and grandma’s kitchen for me. We didn’t have much bacon that I remember, but there always seemed to be lots of bacon grease from which my grandma made scrumptiously creamy milk gravy for her biscuits. Yum!

The description from gratefulpalate.com where you can order this full year of pig products promises all sorts of bacon swag too. Bacon swag! Bacon is in right now. You can get its simulated greasiness imprinted on everything from wallets to BandAids©. There are bacon-flavored candies and gum. Bacon air freshener (now there’s an idea I wish I’d thought of!). Mr. Bacon, the action figure, who battles, I understand, Monsieur Tofu. And, from the pinnacle of porky purveyors, Archie McPhee, you can get most of these things as well as bacon soap, a bacon watch and/or belt, and bacon lip balm. Plus Archie also sells the piece de resistance of faux pig: Uncle Oinker’s Bacon-Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo for only $99.95. Imagine the following you’d get at a party if you looked and smelled like bacon.

British middle-distance runner, Doug Larson, a gold medal winner at the 1924 Olympic games in Paris must have been tempted by pork since he observed that life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. So true. Several summers ago, I distributed pig-themed ArtSeed recipe cards at the SPAMFest celebration in Shady Cove, Oregon. In addition to Spamsicles (ah, Spam, another post for sure), I featured a recipe for deep-fried bacon, something I could fix every month if only my holiday wish regarding monthly meat were granted:

Deep-Fried Bacon

3 eggs
½ c. milk
1 lb. thick sliced bacon, strips cut in half
3 c. all-purpose flour
Salt, pepper to taste
2 c. vegetable oil

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Beat together the eggs and milk in a bowl until smooth. Separate the bacon strips and let them soak in this mixture for a half hour.

Heat the oil in a deep frying pan to 375 degrees.

Season the flour with salt and pepper. Toss individual slices one at a time to coat them with the flour mixture. Use a paper bag or a bowl.

Fry three to five slices at a time until golden brown, about four minutes, turning as necessary. Drain on paper towels.

Once all the bacon is cooked, transfer it to a baking sheet that’s been covered with aluminum foil and bake at 350 degrees about seven minutes or until crispy.

SPAMFest recipe cards also featured many quotations related to the pig. Here are just a few:

I was raised on pork, and believe me, I’m healthy.
• Tina Turner

When faced with an absolutely impossible ingredient, the best thing to do is wrap it up in something and fry it. [Note: Bacon is a natural for wrapping stuff.]
• Chef Mario Battali, TV Food Network

I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.
• Thomas Jefferson

How about a donut burger with cheese and bacon on a sliced Krispy Kreme glazed donut?
• Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report

You’re probably wondering how—or if—I can bring this all back to success in school. I can. Bookstores are just waiting to ambush innocent students who come to purchase textbooks and leave with cute, quirky, and completely unnecessary stuff—bacon-scented and otherwise—that’s stocked to entice the book weary, providing a boost of fun in an otherwise dreary life. Don’t be tempted. Unless it’s a robot. Then get one and think of me every time you bask in its adorableness.

What useless stuff do you have to have because you just like it?

I’ve long said that if I were about to be executed and were given a choice of my last meal, it would be bacon and eggs.
• James Beard

Addendum: Yikes! I just realized how many spiffy robots I could get for the $315.00 that twelve months of bacon would cost, especially since you can get lovely ones for less than twenty dollars, and some are even under ten. Bacon is fleeting (except on the hips). Robots are an ongoing joy.


One comment

  1. nice post. thanks.

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