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These Arms Are Snakes; They Hold a Secret Message: We All Have Hooks for Hands. More Band Names I Love.

January 16, 2010

As I have said before, I am an expert procrastinator. Sometimes, I just spend my procrastinatory moments awastin’ time, doing not much of anything except that I’m almost always doing something even if it’s not what I ought to be doing at the time. I am not good at doing nothing. I have always envied hammock loungers and beach layers (Wait! Is that beach liers? Either one of these seems a bit confusing, but sunbathers sounds too purposeful for my purposes here. Writing is such a complicated thing, isn’t it?) and armchair idlers. When I waste time and do nothing I’m usually engaged in some meaningless task that doesn’t have anything to do with anything except that it amuses me to do it. Band names is one of those amusements.

My latest collection is from the November 26, 2009, issue of The Stranger that I picked up in Seattle. Now that I’m done capturing the band names in it, I can recycle it or use it to practice origami, something that newspaper is very useful for and another useless amusement that occupies some of my procrastinatory time. While what follows may appear to be a random list, there’s actually a secret message here that’s related to yet another of my preoccupations:

Antique Scream
Spaceman
High Class Wreckage
Otherwise
Red Fang
Trampled by Turtles
Septicflesh
A Lesson in Chaos
Your Divine Tragedy
I See Stars
Navigator vs. Navigator
Groovy Ghoulies
Odd Rule
Feeding George
The Legend of Bigfoot
Explode into Colors
Ninth Gate
Curtains for You
One Eskimo
Nachtmystium
Trombone Cake
Afraid of Figs
Ironclads
Nightshirt
Smile Empty Soul
Mobile Deathcamp
Under the Red Door
Counter Fist
Head Like a Kite
We Came as Romans
Iron Lung
Sod Hauler
Dreadful Children
Outdancing Guests
Moon Pulls the Ocean
Stranger than You
Outlaw Carnies
Post Stardom Depression
Horse the Band
Of Mice & Men
Culling the Weak
Loving Thunder
Exit to Main
Schoolyard Heroes

Did you get the secret message hidden right there in plain sight? It doesn’t really matter because it amused me greatly to create it, and this is, after all, all about me. Hint: I had lots of names left over, including some I wish I’d had room for like Waves of the Mind and Beefcake Almighty and Plaster and Dreaming Dead and Stop Biting and Zero Gravity Circus and Brain Callous and Vibrant Society and Shattered Reality and Losing Daylight and Dirge Within and Mal de Mer (So much sexier than Seasick, n’est ce pas?) and oh, so many more.

What useless amusements delight you? If you’re a busy person, whether you’re a student or not, it is useful to know what these things are. Sometimes you just need to do nothing and if you’re someone like me, nothing needs to be something!

My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like “Heave” and “Squatting Turnips.”
• Dave Barry

P.S. I’m thinking that maybe I will name my band after something utilitarian like The Hanging Folders, Grocery Sack, The Spatulas, or Freshly Sharpened Pencils, a name that just about everyone can relate to.

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One comment

  1. Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your post seem to be running off the
    screen in Internet explorer. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with internet browser compatibility but I thought I’d
    post to let you know. The design and style look great though!
    Hope you get the issue fixed soon. Kudos



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