Archive for the ‘roller derby’ Category


I Am The Wizard Of Ahs Or Perhaps X•Zinn•Trix. Whip R. Snapper, Zoom Hilda, Pina Collida, Bratty Duke, Maim E. VanDoren, Payne Mansfield, Marilyn Moanroe, Juana Fight, and Dee Stroyer Are Probably Already Taken.

November 7, 2010

Blitz McGee is rockin’ it tonight! Little Bunny FooFoo is on the bench again! Look out, here comes Tit Vicious and Skelo-Kitty! Oh, no, it’s Pepto Dismal!
• Roller Derby announcer, Roller Odyssey, Medford, Oregon, November 6, 2010

This is a first for me. I’m admitting publically that I’m too old to do something. I am not too old to blow bubbles or to swing on swings and slide down slides. I am not too old to love a ride on a Ferris Wheel or an old-fashioned roller coaster. I am not too old to enjoy toasting marshmallows over a fire or to love eating uncooked cookie dough even though I know that the raw eggs in it are a potential health hazard. There is very little I am too grown up to do.

Except for this. Who wouldn’t want to attend the Sis-Q Rollerz Fresh Meat Tenderizing Camp for those interested in joining roller derby? Perhaps you are not attracted to this opportunity. I am. There are very few organizations I’m tempted to join, but this offering is seductive. Unfortunately, I know better than to pursue it.

We attended the Feast of Fury Roller Derby Contest Saturday night where the Sis-Q Rollerz faced off against the Tsunami Sirens. Irresistible! There were fishnet stockings galore, lots of billboard buttery of the “Roller Derby Saved My Ass” ilk, extremely short schoolgirl skirts, and crinolines reminiscent of Madonna’s Desperately Seeking Susan days. All this finery adorned a variety of body shapes, all proudly fierce and skating like crazy. I loved it. But I’m too old to join in. I can’t imagine going to work with a broken appendage, explaining to my students, colleagues, and bosses that I broke my whatever in a roller derby smackdown. Plus, I’d be thinking of all the word processing I need to do and protecting my hands and arms when I ought to be concentrating on fast and furious skating. I hate to say I know better, but I do. I truly am too old for this and common sense wins out over desire.

I can’t join the game, but I can have a name. I find Melissa “Melicious” Joulwan’s site, Roller Girls Totally True Tales from the Track and the “Rollergirl Personas Generator” ( where you can log in and troll through a collection of possible names (see post title for samples) and then test your choice against a master roster of registered Rollergirl names to make sure you aren’t appropriating someone’s moniker. I go directly to the site and check on my favorite conference name, Anne R. Key, but she’s too close to someone else’s. So is Dr. Z. But The Wizard of Ahs is available and so is X•Zinn•Trix, and W-OZ couldn’t be happier

What would your Rollergirl—or Boy—name be?

Here’s what’s forbidden: No hits above the shoulder. No choking. No hitting. No punching. No biting. No fighting. No kicking. Just have fun.
• Roller Derby announcer, Roller Odyssey, Medford, Oregon, November 6, 2010